and yes, this is real.

                      

….but it can buy you some REALLY great auto-tuning and enhance your smoker’s voice! Happy Memorial Day!

                      

ok fine. not really. BUT I’M CONSIDERING IT.

no, i’m not considering it. however, i’m now an honorary canadian since they will now be filling my prescriptions.

too bad the canadian olympics have passed. i wouldn’t have made fun of their mascots so much.

i think i might have to move there, though. seriously. i’m not switching pills again but THIS IS RETARDEDLY EXPENSIVE AND I WON’T STAND FOR IT.

i won’t leave until my lease is up in september. but then i’m moving to canada because my prescription does not cost $136 dollars a month there. it costs something like $30. which is better than $136.

so i’ll move to canada in september. but only if i can find an apartment that has a view of a helepad, because i can see one from my window now and it’s worth way more than $136 a month.

                      

They’re Bernhard Willhelm’s $340 “pants-shorts fusion.” They’re in case you happen to be walking or running smack dab in the exact middle of two kinds of weather. Or if you’ve made it your mission to avoid each and every opportunity to make a decision.

via the cut

                      

There are many reasons for you to smile today, even though it’s raining in NYC. You’re not hungry, cold, have a job where you spend all day on your feet, and you probably aren’t being persecuted for your Jewish heritage.

Another reason for you to smile today is that your nipples point in the same direction and that this is not your body.

                      

this, ladies and gentleman, is what happens when somebody hates raymond.

                      

You’re sick of Lady Gaga and all the people who are trying to be her. I get it. I really do. But two things: first, this kid is thirteen. Do you remember what you were doing when you were thirteen? I was counting the baby mice my two mice had birthed in a pile of toilet paper. That’s what I was doing when I was thirteen. This kid, as you can tell, is doing something much better and much more public friendly.

Two, is I can never watch too many videos of talented kids. It’s like crack.  And kittens falling down slides is pretty fucking phenomenal, too.

                      

(aside to the UK): if “bending fingers back” and “carpet burns” are your honest complaints, you are a cluster of whiny bullies who never learned to properly tuck in your shirts or keep your hands out of their pants during storytime.

via arbroath, the blog you’re too self-important to read.

                      

Dear Andy,

Things like “owning a home” and “having kids” do not make you “normal.” You have lead your life according to an agenda, and while most normal people do have “agendas,” most people’s heads don’t fit quite as far up their own asses as your does. This allows me to conclude most people (in this country) know who Lady Gaga is. Even though you spent two minutes defending your seemingly honest breakthrough, I doubt it disturbs you, because you live your life according to the “why in the name of tainted pennies should I start now?” principle. And unfortunately for you, that leaves next to no room for shoes made of elephant dung and purple teacups.

Love,

Hannah

                      

I understand this, actually. Australians speak funny, and anything with the word “man” in it confuses the Biebs because he’s still (and always will be) a just-fertilized horse embryo. Also, he’s never taken a geography class in his Canadian life (and he’s mormon too, right? geography never had a chance, really), so he wouldn’t know of a place called Germany OR of the people who live there OR what their silly words mean.

And why should he know what his last name means in “German”? All he’s supposed to know is how to rub vermouth on his balls to prevent them from dropping and to prevent his heavenly voice from changing. And since he’s managed to do that so well up until now, nobody wants to burden him with the task of memorizing things like there are people in Germany and that “Bieber” in German means “basketball.” And that’s why this interview is fantastic.